A poem I wrote 2/11/08
I hate my life, I hate myself
There are good things that take place
But the bad outweighs the good
Fat more than it should.
Be positive they say to me
You’ve got so much going for you
A wonderful husband, two beautiful kids
I know. I know. It’s just….
Just that they don’t understand
I don’t know where to start to write
About the things that have gone on
In my life, still there – not gone.
I’m blessed with a wonderful memory
That remembers the bad not the good
I cut deep – deeper into my arm
I don’t understand, I just need to harm.
Surely it’s better it’s me that bleeds
I’m poor at cutting deep enough
It must be better, it’s me not them
That hurts inside out, so when…
I cut myself it hurts no one else
Each scar is the deepest of memories
That I can’t explain to woman or man
People! Please understand
It needs to be done for my relief
My eyes are glazed all over
I reach for the blade, prepare myself
And then it flies so fast
I love to see my arm open up
With the bad bad blood coming out
Out comes the badness inside mr flowing
Yet the badness keeps on growing
It’s wrong to cut, it’s wrong I know
I have to hide the marks
Yet I do it because I am so bad, so bad
I hate myself – I feel so sad
It’s just a way of coping with the past
I know I’ll get in trouble
I should talk to someone; anyone
What should I say? I don’t know!
There’s too much to say, they don’t understand
Come and talk before you do this they say
But what can I say? My story’s too long
Again, I’ve done more wrong!
Can anyone help me stop the tide?
Or make the wind not blow?
No, nor can they take away my pain
It’ll always be the same.