I hate myself

A poem I wrote 2/11/08

I hate my life, I hate myself

There are good things that take place

But the bad outweighs the good

Fat more than it should.

Be positive they say to me

You’ve got so much going for you

A wonderful husband, two beautiful kids

I know. I know. It’s just….

Just that they don’t understand

I don’t know where to start to write

About the things that have gone on

In my life, still there – not gone.

I’m blessed with a wonderful memory

That remembers the bad not the good

I cut deep – deeper into my arm

I don’t understand, I just need to harm.

Surely it’s better it’s me that bleeds

I’m poor at cutting deep enough

It must be better, it’s me not them

That hurts inside out, so when…

I cut myself it hurts no one else

Each scar is the deepest of memories

That I can’t explain to woman or man

People! Please understand

It needs to be done for my relief

My eyes are glazed all over

I reach for the blade, prepare myself

And then it flies so fast

I love to see my arm open up

With the bad bad blood coming out

Out comes the badness inside mr flowing

Yet the badness keeps on growing

It’s wrong to cut, it’s wrong I know

I have to hide the marks

Yet I do it because I am so bad, so bad

I hate myself – I feel so sad

It’s just a way of coping with the past

I know I’ll get in trouble

I should talk to someone; anyone

What should I say? I don’t know!

There’s too much to say, they don’t understand

Come and talk before you do this they say

But what can I say? My story’s too long

Again, I’ve done more wrong!

Can anyone help me stop the tide?

Or make the wind not blow?

No, nor can they take away my pain

It’ll always be the same.

If I were a butterfly

A poem I wrote 1/11/08

If I were a butterfly

Floating in the breeze

Would I be so anxious

To hide amongst the trees?

The beauty of a butterfly

It has no need to hide

With colours like a rainbow

It couldn’t if it tried.

But I am not a butterfly

So tense I cannot float

No beauty here to look upon

Just hiding in my coat

My colours are all mixed up

From the colours in a rainbow

A deep, dark murky colour

Too ashamed to show.

The tension mounts like eagles wings

Soaring through the sky

My head will burst with all

That’s in it – why? Oh why? Oh why?

Do I feel like this because I do

Deserve such everlasting woe

Or will it better get one day?

Will it ever go?

Can I ask?

A poem I wrote 22/10/08

Oh little blackbird, can I ask

Where the silver linings gone

From every cloud across the sky

That cover up the sun?

And can I ask you little bird

Is it true what people say?

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel

Yet mine has gone away.

Oh Mother hen, wait here awhile

I see your wings are spread

O’er you little ones to protect

Them from a gloomy death.

Yet human mothers push away

Neglect; and play mind games

Allowing evil things to come

And call their offspring names!

Why is it nature is so kind

In everything that they do?

While humans waste away the time

Hurting me and you?

What do I see?

A poem I wrote on 22nd October 2008.

What do I see in the sun? A ball of fire

Waiting to burn the world.

What do I see in the stars?

Fire fuelled pellets ready to drop and make us dead.

What do I see in the clouds?

Deep, dark looming shapes to depress and lower the spirit.

What do I see in the trees?

Bereft of leaves, dying – waiting for death.

What do I see in the sea?

An ocean full of bodies floating, sinking

Death is everywhere.

What do I see in me?

A body still breathing, one breath at a time, soon to be no more.

What do I see in life?

Frivolity, vanity, emptiness in all around. No rest here to settle. No life ahead.

Just waiting now

For my end.