….2018!!?

It’s February! And the year is 2018!!! What!!? When did that happen???

I wasn’t supposed to live past the millennium… I was supposed to be in hell with all the rest of the un-normals! For all the abominable sins of speaking my truth, accepting responsibility for how much my wonderful life is panning out and I made it to here! To now?! I’m still in the here and now!!? I’m alive!! Ah! Okay… so maybe that was being a bit too optimistic!! Being alive means feelings and stuff! Granted there’s always time to mess up yet again!! If my head is free of migraines, if I actually wake up during daylight hours… and I have ventured beyond my bedroom door to the great downstairs of reality. Did I really leave all those lights on!!? The incessant talking between inner child and grown up does my head in!! Seriously!!! Of course you turned the lights out, and locked the doors and not particularly in that order coz we both know the ocd would have had to before counting the stairs up to the bathroom and bed!! I don’t do feelings… I can’t allow it. Numb is better. Sure the muscles are locking up everyday now, and the pain is so intense yet the exhaustion is overwhelming when I have to remember to RELAX! And any second now; Relax!!!! Anyone would think I have unresolved trauma!! Nice one Sherlock!!

So, it’s been a long time… years in fact. I don’t remember feeling as uptight/tense/On red alert! Perhaps that’s because I was being treated!? I can’t say for sure… my mind scrambles for focus. My eyes sting with exhaustion. What was I saying???!! I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters.

You know I got on a train this morning and yes! That meant I left the actual house!! Okay so I’m walking to the bus stop (coz this is all so pathetic that I must force myself to do ‘normal’) and I can feel eyes everywhere burning into my back as I shuffle along… I don’t give it away… I don’t let anyone see I’m watching them ALL! I can see them, I can hear them – ok so maybe it’s them, or ‘Them’ from childhood… or me now… or back then or even her!! That little girl that used to scream and scream inside me… until JCW helped her to cry it all out until it was a sobbing sound then NOTHING! Nothing throughout the numb years since some wonderful moron decided to cut all ready incredibly stretched mental health budgets and I was flung out of my cocoon into a cold, echoing terrifying thing I’m supposed to call my life!!! Do what!? It’s taken almost three years to get over that shock and I’m great! I’m doing fantastic now! {insert sarcastic tone}….. yeah, I got lucky!! I actually got to see a psychologist guy for waaaay over the allocated time-slot! I mean, it’s not like I asked for this illness, and I can tell you it’s boring talking about it, but we have to keep on keeping on about it!!

Can you believe the actual words are said to my face… “you really look quite normal” – “she behaved herself very well” – “how wonderful to have you back!” ….okay! Enough already!!

Everyone step back.

Go on… move!

Get back behind the line and LISTEN up!!

The short version for now. Yes, I have a Mental illness. It has a name. It’s called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No it’s not funny and I’m not nuts. Nor am I crazy! Yes, I’m on medication. Because bad things happened and that messed my head up…. plus the shock of being spewed from a place of safety (who cares if I felt safer in a psychiatric hospital ?!! At least I wasn’t in this much agony trying to pretend everything is hunkydorypeachyking!!!!!!!)

I FELT SAFE – I FELT HEARD!

I felt respected. I felt human!!

Three years on and I’m far more withdrawn from society with it’s dumb rules and regulations… nope! Not interested in fakeness! Not interested in being used and abused…. er, that’s what started this all off many years ago!!!

Despair follows… numbness… dazed… dissociated, disconnected… no friends – I had to distance myself from toxic people. But there’s no manual! People don’t come with filters! They just say stuff in front of me as though I’m not visible! Er, hello?? I’m aware YOU find it awkward that I disappeared from society… but you haven’t half spoilt what was left in the world whilst I was absent.

Blehhh!! {insert frustrated sigh}

I don’t know if I will post this or not… it’s feeling like a rant… I want to be positive. I want to inspire others. But someone somewhere in the system decided I needed to be discharged from inpatient care meaning trauma therapy could not continue and even after months of weekly appointments with a psychologist I was told I had five more sessions and that no, we hadn’t managed to deal with any unresolved traumas as my life was too unstable to risk opening up the cans of worms! What a waste!

What a waste of all those years of nhs resources, therapies, learning safer coping mechanisms; doing what they wanted! All my life I’ve tried doing what ‘they’ want. Trying to keep my bloomin head down, do as I’m told – and all the while reminded I’m the biggest sinner out and will go to hell!

For what? Tell me what it’s all been for!!?

Last time I saw any psychy people was in the first week of January…. on paper I have a care coordinator in reality??? I have me, myself and I trying our best to fake it long enough to make it!

Trying my bestest to be the friend to others I yearn for.

Trying to be the Mum, Sister, Auntie, Friend that I do not have.

Here I am.

A scarred Warrior.

I will rise up (again!)

I will tell my truth.

And I will not hold back when that time comes.

I’m preparing to let it all hit the fan and if I’m really really good, God might just let me watch!

Bye for now

;

#metoo