I hate myself

A poem I wrote 2/11/08

I hate my life, I hate myself

There are good things that take place

But the bad outweighs the good

Fat more than it should.

Be positive they say to me

You’ve got so much going for you

A wonderful husband, two beautiful kids

I know. I know. It’s just….

Just that they don’t understand

I don’t know where to start to write

About the things that have gone on

In my life, still there – not gone.

I’m blessed with a wonderful memory

That remembers the bad not the good

I cut deep – deeper into my arm

I don’t understand, I just need to harm.

Surely it’s better it’s me that bleeds

I’m poor at cutting deep enough

It must be better, it’s me not them

That hurts inside out, so when…

I cut myself it hurts no one else

Each scar is the deepest of memories

That I can’t explain to woman or man

People! Please understand

It needs to be done for my relief

My eyes are glazed all over

I reach for the blade, prepare myself

And then it flies so fast

I love to see my arm open up

With the bad bad blood coming out

Out comes the badness inside mr flowing

Yet the badness keeps on growing

It’s wrong to cut, it’s wrong I know

I have to hide the marks

Yet I do it because I am so bad, so bad

I hate myself – I feel so sad

It’s just a way of coping with the past

I know I’ll get in trouble

I should talk to someone; anyone

What should I say? I don’t know!

There’s too much to say, they don’t understand

Come and talk before you do this they say

But what can I say? My story’s too long

Again, I’ve done more wrong!

Can anyone help me stop the tide?

Or make the wind not blow?

No, nor can they take away my pain

It’ll always be the same.

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If I were a butterfly

A poem I wrote 1/11/08

If I were a butterfly

Floating in the breeze

Would I be so anxious

To hide amongst the trees?

The beauty of a butterfly

It has no need to hide

With colours like a rainbow

It couldn’t if it tried.

But I am not a butterfly

So tense I cannot float

No beauty here to look upon

Just hiding in my coat

My colours are all mixed up

From the colours in a rainbow

A deep, dark murky colour

Too ashamed to show.

The tension mounts like eagles wings

Soaring through the sky

My head will burst with all

That’s in it – why? Oh why? Oh why?

Do I feel like this because I do

Deserve such everlasting woe

Or will it better get one day?

Will it ever go?

Can I ask?

A poem I wrote 22/10/08

Oh little blackbird, can I ask

Where the silver linings gone

From every cloud across the sky

That cover up the sun?

And can I ask you little bird

Is it true what people say?

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel

Yet mine has gone away.

Oh Mother hen, wait here awhile

I see your wings are spread

O’er you little ones to protect

Them from a gloomy death.

Yet human mothers push away

Neglect; and play mind games

Allowing evil things to come

And call their offspring names!

Why is it nature is so kind

In everything that they do?

While humans waste away the time

Hurting me and you?

What do I see?

A poem I wrote on 22nd October 2008.

What do I see in the sun? A ball of fire

Waiting to burn the world.

What do I see in the stars?

Fire fuelled pellets ready to drop and make us dead.

What do I see in the clouds?

Deep, dark looming shapes to depress and lower the spirit.

What do I see in the trees?

Bereft of leaves, dying – waiting for death.

What do I see in the sea?

An ocean full of bodies floating, sinking

Death is everywhere.

What do I see in me?

A body still breathing, one breath at a time, soon to be no more.

What do I see in life?

Frivolity, vanity, emptiness in all around. No rest here to settle. No life ahead.

Just waiting now

For my end.

….2018!!?

It’s February! And the year is 2018!!! What!!? When did that happen???

I wasn’t supposed to live past the millennium… I was supposed to be in hell with all the rest of the un-normals! For all the abominable sins of speaking my truth, accepting responsibility for how much my wonderful life is panning out and I made it to here! To now?! I’m still in the here and now!!? I’m alive!! Ah! Okay… so maybe that was being a bit too optimistic!! Being alive means feelings and stuff! Granted there’s always time to mess up yet again!! If my head is free of migraines, if I actually wake up during daylight hours… and I have ventured beyond my bedroom door to the great downstairs of reality. Did I really leave all those lights on!!? The incessant talking between inner child and grown up does my head in!! Seriously!!! Of course you turned the lights out, and locked the doors and not particularly in that order coz we both know the ocd would have had to before counting the stairs up to the bathroom and bed!! I don’t do feelings… I can’t allow it. Numb is better. Sure the muscles are locking up everyday now, and the pain is so intense yet the exhaustion is overwhelming when I have to remember to RELAX! And any second now; Relax!!!! Anyone would think I have unresolved trauma!! Nice one Sherlock!!

So, it’s been a long time… years in fact. I don’t remember feeling as uptight/tense/On red alert! Perhaps that’s because I was being treated!? I can’t say for sure… my mind scrambles for focus. My eyes sting with exhaustion. What was I saying???!! I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters.

You know I got on a train this morning and yes! That meant I left the actual house!! Okay so I’m walking to the bus stop (coz this is all so pathetic that I must force myself to do ‘normal’) and I can feel eyes everywhere burning into my back as I shuffle along… I don’t give it away… I don’t let anyone see I’m watching them ALL! I can see them, I can hear them – ok so maybe it’s them, or ‘Them’ from childhood… or me now… or back then or even her!! That little girl that used to scream and scream inside me… until JCW helped her to cry it all out until it was a sobbing sound then NOTHING! Nothing throughout the numb years since some wonderful moron decided to cut all ready incredibly stretched mental health budgets and I was flung out of my cocoon into a cold, echoing terrifying thing I’m supposed to call my life!!! Do what!? It’s taken almost three years to get over that shock and I’m great! I’m doing fantastic now! {insert sarcastic tone}….. yeah, I got lucky!! I actually got to see a psychologist guy for waaaay over the allocated time-slot! I mean, it’s not like I asked for this illness, and I can tell you it’s boring talking about it, but we have to keep on keeping on about it!!

Can you believe the actual words are said to my face… “you really look quite normal” – “she behaved herself very well” – “how wonderful to have you back!” ….okay! Enough already!!

Everyone step back.

Go on… move!

Get back behind the line and LISTEN up!!

The short version for now. Yes, I have a Mental illness. It has a name. It’s called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No it’s not funny and I’m not nuts. Nor am I crazy! Yes, I’m on medication. Because bad things happened and that messed my head up…. plus the shock of being spewed from a place of safety (who cares if I felt safer in a psychiatric hospital ?!! At least I wasn’t in this much agony trying to pretend everything is hunkydorypeachyking!!!!!!!)

I FELT SAFE – I FELT HEARD!

I felt respected. I felt human!!

Three years on and I’m far more withdrawn from society with it’s dumb rules and regulations… nope! Not interested in fakeness! Not interested in being used and abused…. er, that’s what started this all off many years ago!!!

Despair follows… numbness… dazed… dissociated, disconnected… no friends – I had to distance myself from toxic people. But there’s no manual! People don’t come with filters! They just say stuff in front of me as though I’m not visible! Er, hello?? I’m aware YOU find it awkward that I disappeared from society… but you haven’t half spoilt what was left in the world whilst I was absent.

Blehhh!! {insert frustrated sigh}

I don’t know if I will post this or not… it’s feeling like a rant… I want to be positive. I want to inspire others. But someone somewhere in the system decided I needed to be discharged from inpatient care meaning trauma therapy could not continue and even after months of weekly appointments with a psychologist I was told I had five more sessions and that no, we hadn’t managed to deal with any unresolved traumas as my life was too unstable to risk opening up the cans of worms! What a waste!

What a waste of all those years of nhs resources, therapies, learning safer coping mechanisms; doing what they wanted! All my life I’ve tried doing what ‘they’ want. Trying to keep my bloomin head down, do as I’m told – and all the while reminded I’m the biggest sinner out and will go to hell!

For what? Tell me what it’s all been for!!?

Last time I saw any psychy people was in the first week of January…. on paper I have a care coordinator in reality??? I have me, myself and I trying our best to fake it long enough to make it!

Trying my bestest to be the friend to others I yearn for.

Trying to be the Mum, Sister, Auntie, Friend that I do not have.

Here I am.

A scarred Warrior.

I will rise up (again!)

I will tell my truth.

And I will not hold back when that time comes.

I’m preparing to let it all hit the fan and if I’m really really good, God might just let me watch!

Bye for now

;

#metoo

The real reason my blog is not organised…

Okay… so truth be told, I was suicidal. I get that way in greater or lesser measures almost every day! Some days it’s a fleeting thought; other days it is so very intense that I dare not move out of my bed for fear I will act on those urges like I used to!

I was having a particularly bad time with the suicidal urges and so I deleted all the personal posts, believing that I was shutting my life down …even Facebook had a major overhaul with settings put in place to close it down the moment the Facebook hierarchy became aware of my demise.

I hate feeling that way… and when I act in what I believe is in the best interests of the world and later go to write a post… I feel like a right numbskull having deleted all those memories for now I need to write them again!

🙄

1st March 2015

Complex PTSD, is not a personality disorder…

The following is by Prof. Judith L Herman

From this document; HERE

Complex PTSD: A Syndrome in Survivors of Prolonged and Repeated Trauma

Judith Lewis Herman

Observers who have never experienced prolonged terror, and who have no understanding of coercive methods of control, often presume that they would show greater psychological resistance than the victim in similar circumstances.

The survivor’s difficulties are all too easily attributed to underlying character problems, even when the trauma is known.

When the trauma is kept secret, as is frequently the case in sexual and domestic violence, the survivor’s symptoms and behavior may appear quite baffling, not only to lay people but also to mental health professionals.

The clinical picture of a person who has been reduced to elemental concerns of survival is still frequently mistaken for a portrait of the survivors underlying character.

Concepts of personality developed in ordinary circumstances are frequently applied to survivors, without an understanding of the deformations of personality which occur under conditions of coercive control.

Thus, patients who suffer from the complex sequelae of chronic trauma commonly risk being misdiagnosed as having personality disorders.

Earlier concepts of masochism or repetition compulsion might be more use fully supplanted by the concept of a complex traumatic syndrome.

Prof. Judith Lewis Herman

Joumal of Traumatic Stress, VoL 5, No. 3, 1992

More of Judith L Herman’s expert knowledge on complex trauma, can be found in her ground breaking book, which I strongly recommend.

10th November 2015

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in your journey.

It’s always necessary to accept when some part of your life has reached its inevitable end. Closing the door, completing the chapter, turning the page, etc. – it doesn’t matter what you title it; what matters is that you find the strength to leave in the past those parts of your life that are over.

It’s all about embracing the truth: What has happened is uncontrollable; what you do now changes everything!

Of course, knowing this and actually living a lifestyle that reinforces this truth are two very different things. Letting go is NOT easy – it’s a journey that is traveled one day at a time. If you stick with it, here’s what your journey will ultimately teach you:

1. The most powerful changes happen in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over everything you don’t.

2. Most people make themselves unhappy simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now.

3. If you worry too much about what might be, and wonder too long about what might have been, you will ignore and completely miss what is.

4. When you are lost in worry, it is easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Mindfulness is the remedy.

5. The biggest obstacle to growth you’ll ever have to overcome is your mind. Once you can overcome that, you can overcome anything.

6. Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a little while, and that includes

7. YOU. (Read Wherever You Go, There You Are.)

8. You won’t always have it easy, but there is always a reason to be grateful. And the greatest gift of your gratitude is that the more grateful you are, the more present you become.

9. The secret to getting ahead is to focus all of your energy not on fixing and fighting the old, but on building and growing something new.

10. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about something or someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is yourself in this moment.

11. In most cases, you can’t calm the storm – it’s not worth trying. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will pass.

12. You can always control the way you respond to what happens, and in your response is your power.

13. Oftentimes letting go is simply changing the labels you place on a situation – it’s looking at the same situation with fresh eyes and an open mind.

14. There is absolutely nothing about your present circumstances that prevents you from making progress, one tiny step at a time.

15. The day you “understood” everything, was the day you stopped trying to figure everything out. The day you find peace and freedom again will be the day you let everything go.

16. You must let go of certainty. And you must remember that the opposite of certainty is not uncertainty, it’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace life as it is, rather than resisting it. The ultimate challenge is to accept yourself exactly as you are, and accept life just as it is, but never stop trying to learn and grow to the best of your abilities.

17. Underneath it all, the hardest part is not really letting go, but rather learning to start over.

18. Stepping onto a brand new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation that no longer fits, or no longer exists.

19. Sometimes it takes a little heartbreak to shake you awake, help you let go, and show you that you are worth so much more than you were settling for.

20. When it comes to social drama, letting go of other people’s rude remarks is the best step forward. Most haters don’t really hate you; they just hate where they are in life, and you’re a reflection of what they wish to become. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

21. Your heart might be bruised, but it will gradually heal and become capable of feeling the beauty of life once again. It’s happened to you before, and it will happen again – life is always changing. When something ends or someone leaves, it’s because something else or someone else is about to arrive – you will feel alive and whole again soon.

22. Afterthoughts
It can be difficult to leave a long-term life situation behind, even when your inner-wisdom tells you that things aren’t right and it’s time to let go. At this point, you can choose to let go and endure the sudden pain of leaving behind the familiar to make way for a new chapter in your life, or you can stay and suffer a constant, aching pain that gradually eats away at your heart and mind, like a cancer… until you wake up one day and find yourself buried so deep in the dysfunction of the situation that you barely remember who you are and what you desire.
Don’t do this you yourself!
Things will happen that are unexpected, undesirable, and uncontrollable. But you can always choose to take the next tiniest step. Be brave and take it…
Be willing to make mistakes, learn from them, let go of them, and move along.